Discover the one crucial error that cheaters make.

Should you stay or should you go?

Saving your marriage with trust and love

How You Can Quickly and Easily Discover If You Are Being Cheated On

The anatomy of an affair

Break free from the affair

Hopeful solutions for a sexless marriage

Saving your marriage with trust and love

Perfect Love Letters

My Breakup Space
My Breakup Blog
The Zodiac Man
Breakups Magazine
The Rich Bitch Forum

Cunnilingus Academy
Curl her toes with these tips and techniques!

Breakups can make life miserable. Unfortunately, many of us resort to ineffective or self-defeating attempts to hasten our healing, or try to reverse the process. We only end up making matters worse.

Some self-destructive things we may resort to are:

Denial:  Denying the breakup, or ignoring your hurt, pain, confusion, and feelings of rejection only compounds it. Like cancer, it slowly eats away at you, silently, painlessly, and unnoticed . Acknowledge your pain. Accept that the relationship is over.

Attack their pride or good-character: Often times, to lessen our own painful feelings of rejection and failure, we finger-point. Placing blame on the other person. We need to learn to attack the 'issue', instead of the person. Name-calling, fault finding, or finger-pointing only builds the wall, hides the issue, and prevents us from bettering ourselves for future relationships, or salvaging our current ones.

Manipulation: There are many forms of manipulation, from openly dating others to feelings of hopelessness and abandonment. Sometimes we are very much aware of our manipulative ways, such as sending cards, flowers, or others gestures of relaying our love (need). But, more often than not, we are unaware of our attempts to gain power and manipulate. We may cry, beg, threaten, insult, belittle, or even blackmail our ex - all with hopes of manipulating them into helping us get what 'we' want. Our main goal is satisfying our own personal interests  - we ignorantly think, 'to hell with what is good or right for them'. We only see things our way.

Calling in the forces: We try to recruit friends, acquaintances, co-workers, and both our ex's and our own families as allies on our quest to 'make it stop' or 'make it all go away'. Whether our motives are to belittle and insult our ex, find out 'if they are seeing anybody', or looking for a translator to get our message of misery or woe to the ex. Eventually, all we really end up doing is losing our own self-respect and dignity.

Over-analyzing: We dwell on our breakup, our relationships, and the if's, and's and but's. We keep reliving the events that led to the final breakdown of the relationship, and we keep rehashing the last moments over and over again. The problem is that we are doing all this through one state of mind - that of a wounded child who did something wrong and wants to make it right. Consequently, just as with children, we are not seeing clearly. We're not really hearing what is being said to us. If only we could close our prejudiced and biased thoughts off, empty our hearts out, and open our ears.

Neglect to give ourself, and our ex, time: We may instantly try to salvage the relationship, undo a breakup, change our ex's mind, or alter a certain course of events. Our thoughts are so clouded and unreliable right after a breakup that we don't give ourselves time to 'come down' from the emotional roller-coaster so that we can think, act, and even react with a more relaxed state of mind. This always gives our ex time to unwind from the pain and think more clearly, too. If they were the one to opt for the breakup, odds are they are set on leaving it and the quicker we engage them with the ideal of getting back together the more adamant they will be to leave. Allowing time to pass gives them the needed space to think more rationally and get out of that 'wanting out' state. The webBook, How to STOP a Breakup, available  at The Lifted Hearts Community, explains more about what kind of mode people are in when they choose to leave a relationship.

Rebound: "Oh, just forget it. I'm moving on and putting this man/woman behind me!" These thoughts can be very damaging. Dating again heals our heart about the same as placing a mere band-aid on a broken arm would heal the arm. The damage will remain! Before you move on we should learn to fully understand what issues were ours, where we could use the 'fixing-up', and also learn to be comfortable with being by ourself - a must for any future successful relationship. Without taking these steps we will see history repeat itself over and over again. We will know that the healing is complete and we are ready to date again when we can find happiness - alone and with ourself! And when we find that peace - within ourselves -  then any relationship we have after that has got to be great because we eliminate these relationship busters:

1. ANXIETY - we are FREE from that panicky 'need' to have someone

2. DEPRESSION - we know to create our own happiness

3. ABANDONMENT FEAR - there is no 'fear' of being left, because even that would be okay with us

4. CODEPENDENCY - we've healed to the point where we do not 'unhealthily' ATTACH to someone

5. HURT FEELINGS - we learn to listen without 'defending' (ourself) and to speak without 'offending' (the other person). We also learn to hear the 'fear' behind their words - and ours

6. DISCONTENTMENT - we learn to appreciate them for who they are. We don't try to change or alter them. And we allow them to be themselves

7. NERVOUS INSECURITY - only 'we' are the 'be-all' to our life

8. RESENTMENT - we love unselfishly

9. PERFORMANCE ANXIETY - sex is no longer a 'tool'

10. ANXIETY - when we are a peace with ourself, our relationship is one of serenity and security - not anxiety, worry, hurt, and pain

Alcohol, drugs, food, one-night stands: Oh, my! Argh! The pain is gone temporary, and maybe that sounds really good right now - to stop the pain...but, boy does it come back ten-fold. Additionally, we are even more depressed as a result of the chemicals we have put in our body, our loss of self-respect, fear that we may have harmed ourselves, and the realization that we are right back where we started from! In fact, we are two steps back! The best solution is to not try to end the pain, but to just go through it. Think of it as a dark tunnel  you have stumbled across while journeying through a dark and dismal land. You start out in a really bad place. In fact, it is such a bad, evil, horrible place that you can't even phantom that the tunnel ends in a bright, beautiful land rich in hope, love, and laughter. But to get there you have to go through the tunnel, and right now that black, endless-looking hole doesn't look anymore inviting than the dismal land you are in. So, someone comes along, someone who has journeyed through that tunnel, and they tell you, "this tunnel ends in the land of golden sun and bright rainbows, and many beautiful things". So you look at the tunnel and it is still dark and foreboden looking, and there's no way you're going to go through that. So you try to skip around it, or hop right over it in your hurry to reach the dream land. But every time you do that, you end up even farther away from the tunnel's entrance. And you have to work even harder, fighting yourself back through the dark and dismal land of dread to reach the tunnel's entrance again.  If you would just walk through it, you will soon see that the tunnel is starting to take in light. And then the light gets brighter and is laced with golden rays of sunshine. And at last you see the end. But the only way to reach the end of the tunnel is to go through it.  

Yes, we can make the pain of our breakup far worse than it already is. But, although these are trying times, the grief can be lessened and the healing hastened if we follow these simple rules above.

~by Tigress Luv, The Breakup Guru

Please Visit Our Sponsors

The Breakup Guru
<<============

Borderland Blues Gay & Lesbian Advice
============>>