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Relationship
Killers
By Terry Ross
Whether a relationship lives or dies largely
depends on the individuals involved. What is seen to be an insurmountable
relationship killer by one person will just be a minor challenge to another.
Take infidelity for example, some relationships
survive and even thrive by acknowledging either one or even both partners
will seek sexual fulfilment, in part, outside the marriage but as a whole
fidelity is paramount for a healthy marriage.
I was listening to the radio the other day when
a girl stated that whether her marriage went ahead or not depended on how
accurately her fiancée could answer questions about her. I don’t
know about you but if I had expected my partner to know all my likes and
dislikes before we got married our relationship would have been dead in the
water. As it is we wouldn’t have been without each other for the past
20 years.
Marriages have even broken up over one of the
partners forgetting a birthday or an anniversary. I must confess that I
don’t really want to be reminded of how quickly the years are passing
me by and I’m equally prone to over looking special dates as my partner.
What is more important to me is how we relate to each other throughout our
lives and not just on one or two days of the
year.
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As
you can see, what would totally destroy one marriage is perfectly acceptable
in another it just depends on the characteristics of the individuals involved
and, in some cases, the timing of events.
• One of the biggest relationship killers
is most definitely infidelity. Many people struggle to understand and come
to terms with such a betrayal but more importantly, struggle to regain the
trust.
• Abuse is something which is tolerated
far too often. No one should have to be subjected to any kind of physical,
emotional or financial abuse. I only have one bit of advice to someone who
is in an abusive relationship, get out, even if the abuse is only occasional.
Even occasional abuse is unacceptable and it will only get worse. You can
always return if and when they have sorted themselves out but no matter how
much you have been promised that it will never happen again it always will
unless you take a stand.
• Lack of ability to communicate is a real
relationship killer. So many marriages have been thrown away through a lack
of understanding and a total inability to communicate. Often all it would
take would be for couples to learn how to listen to each other and many perfectly
good marriages could be saved.
• Trust is so important in any relationship.
If trust doesn’t exist it is very difficult to keep a relationship alive.
Infidelity, gambling, drinking, drugs and financial spending are all strong
and compelling reasons for not trusting your partner (among many others).
A marriage can only usually be saved if the reason for the lack of trust
is eliminated and both parties are prepared to forgive and forget. Unless
you can let go of the past you cannot look to the future.
• Jealousy can often exist is cases when
one partner is still friendly with someone they used to have a relationship
with or when a new baby comes along and all ‘couple’ time is eliminated
or step parents can be jealous of their partners relationship with their
children. Obviously the source of the jealousy can’t always be eliminated,
you can sometimes stop seeing previous partners but you can’t exactly
throw the baby out the window or banish the step children. Resolving jealousy
comes back to communication, discussing and understanding the reasons for
the jealousy and jointly devising an action plan to over come it.
• All too often the initial romance of any
relationship often clouds people’s judgement when it comes to what both
partners want out of life. A simple example is children, how many women get
married knowing that they don’t want children or don’t want children
any time soon but don’t communicate this to their partner. It is so
important to be totally upfront. Other issues sometimes develop when one
partner is far more ambitious than the other or just wants different things
out of life. Unless your dreams of a perfect marriage are on the same playing
field then it’s often a ticket to disaster. Couples need to be totally
upfront and honest with each other both before and after marriage to ensure
that the dreams and desires of both parties are met and fulfilled.
• Financial issues put a great strain on
any relationship. Couples often divorce due to lack of money when all they
really need to do is solve the core problem. And statistics obviously show
that finance is far more of an issue once you are divorced. I was watching
a programme the other day and this couple had survived 15 years living with
parents while they saved up for a house. Enough to put a strain on any marriage.
However, what I then realised was that they had three children, one of which
was probably conceived very early on, and the wife had stayed at home to
look after them. This left me thinking, wouldn’t their life have been
much easier and wouldn’t that house have come quite early on in the
marriage if they had just delayed their plans for a family and both worked
for a deposit in those first couple of years. As it happened, their marriage
actually survived the 15 years but how many others would have?
• To many it sounds strange, but a lot of
married couples feel lonely, especially when their partners work long hours
and/or spend periods of time away from home. Sometimes a partner will head
to the pub, to the gym or to a mate’s, after work, or I know of many
golfers who take a week or even two of their annual holiday to go off golfing
without their family. In any relation ship there has to be a balance between
work, personnel time and family / couple time.
• Lack of intimacy can often make people
feel worthless, unwanted and unloved. Even if sexual relations have diminished
or ceased a relationship can still survive through other types of intimacy,
a kiss, a cuddle or a caress. Once intimacy ceases in any form partners often
feel that they are no longer desired and it is inevitable that people who
need an element of intimacy will seek affection else where.
• Many people often say they think their
marriage is over when they no longer feel that they are that special person
in their partner’s lives. It can become a real big deal when a couple
settles down into married life and the romancing comes to an end. No more
flowers, romantic diners, endless conversations while you learn all about
each other. Perhaps the presents have stopped or less effort is put into
making each other happy or children have taken priority. Of course the answer
is so much simpler than heading for the divorce courts, just start making
an effort and spend more quality time as a couple, bring the good times back.
After all that’s just what you’d have to do if you were to start
all over and how often to people realise far too late that the grass wasn’t
greener.
• The break up of long term marriages can
often be as a result of the children leaving home. Couples often have children
early on in the marriage from which time their lives totally revolve around
the children. Once the children have grown up and left home the parents are
no longer comfortable with each others company and just don’t know what
to do as a couple. As the children get older it is vital that couples start
spending more time together no matter how difficult it is and learn to enjoy
each others company without the children.
• Letting yourself go can be a real relationship
killer especially if you were really good looking when you got married. If
just one partner gets too comfortable in the relationship and feels they
no longer need to make an effort it can become a major negative to the future
of the marriage.
This is but a short list of reasons why marriages
might fail and just because something on the list will destroy one marriage
it doesn’t mean to say it will destroy another. Like people, all marriages
are unique, the real key to saving your marriage is, understanding what is
causing you to feel that your marriage is failing, recognising what action
you need to take to put it right and having the determination and the desire
to do so.
For almost every possible relationship killer
learning how to communicate is critical, if you truly want to save your
marriage.
For more valuable relationship advice please
visit:
http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com |
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