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Surviving
Infidelity
By Terry Ross
Learning about your spouse’s affair is one
of the most life changing events you’ll ever have to cope with. The
initial mental and physical pain can be more than most people feel they can
bear.
Debbie found that the shock left her feeling
completely suicidal, in such an emotional state that she just couldn’t
see an end to the raging emotions of sheer loathing, humiliation, defeat
and despair. She couldn’t visualize surviving the infidelity.
"After weeks of trying to come to terms with
the shock of my husband confessing to having an affair, I tried to face up
to the news and move on with my life but I just couldn’t get over the
feelings of hate, shock, rage, fear and utter betrayal.
I really hated my husband, the ‘other’
woman and myself for what had become of our marriage. I found myself wanting
to kill him one minute and trying to understand why he had done it the next.
I didn’t know what to do or where to turn. I had no idea as to whether
I wanted to save my marriage or not but I was totally unprepared for life
on my own.
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I
felt so alone, half dead, totally humiliated, defeated and betrayed and found
I just couldn’t move on without seeking help and learning that there
was a way to move forward and get my life and my marriage back on track"
Because of the emotional roller coaster infidelity
puts couples through, talking about the details in the early stage only
reinforces the negative feelings that they already have. It will not help
either the cheater or the cheated partner to cope with the situation nor
will it help you move forward.
The first discussion will always be the most
difficult one, when it’s so easy for things to get totally out of hand.
If the marriage is to be saved both partners need to be emotionally prepared,
rational and calm. It is unrealistic to expect partners to be able to work
together in the early days when neither party is capable of entering into
any form of rational discussion.
The cheated partner will want immediate answers
to why the affair occurred, if they loved the person they were having an
affair with, did it mean anything and how long it had been going on. They
will want to know why they weren’t enough, was it the only one and will
wonder if they can trust their partner again. They need to take control of
these emotions before they should enter into any form of discussion and before
they can make any progress towards surviving infidelity or even half way
consider trying to save the marriage.
Many people go to marriage counselors terrified,
not knowing what to do, unable to get the images of their partner in someone
else’s bed out of their mind, not knowing if their partner still loves
them and feeling totally worthless and insecure. They have to get over that
initial hurdle before they can move on, start piecing everything together
and even consider trying to rebuild the marriage. What is said and done in
those early stages is critical to surviving infidelity and will form the
foundation of any new relationship which evolves.
Most people do not have the skills to work through
their problems without getting emotional and cannot get beyond what has happened
in the past so cannot look towards the future. It is so easy in the early
discussions, when the most positive work towards recovering the relationship
needs to be done, to get sucked into battles over what has happened. It is
hard to push emotional feelings to one side and calmly discuss such a betrayal.
However, after the initial shock and once emotions
have calmed down the most critcal thing to do is to talk, listen and try
and understand what has happened, why it happened and how to move forward.
Only after some kind of understanding have occurred can the cheated partner
even consider any kind of foregiveness, but if initial contact is controlled,
and approached in the right way, not jumping in with all guns blazing, marriages
can and often do survive infidelity and become stronger because of it.
That is why spending time learning how to control
your emotions and trying to understand the situation from your partner’s
point of view is vital if you want to save your marriage.
It is during this stage that you will find out
why the affair happened, if it meant anything and what problems there were
in your relationship. It is not until the all the cards have been laid on
the table can couples even begin to try to put right what has gone wrong
and move on with their lives.
As with most marital issues communication and
understanding is critical to surviving
infidelity.
For more information on how to save you marriage
please visit:
http://www.saveyourmarriage.marriagehealth.com |
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